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blugrasshopper
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Name: blugrasshopper
Gender: Female
Interests: art, tea, mountians, beaches, losing oneself in the enjoyment of it all
Expertise: thinking or not depending on how you look at it
Occupation: giving puppies haircuts
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/24/2008
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| what does it take to be happy and whole? why is life so difficult I feel so badly for my best friend she lost her son today. one of my other best friends who is desperatly trying to establish boundaries in an abusive relationship she is addicted too. I felt so sick thinking about and listening to the concept of sexual abuse. it turns my stomach. I remembered mine, I couldn't help but remember. I couldn't help but emotionally relate. how does one get past all of that? speaking of... my brother has decided that he is no longer speaking to me because he doesn't believe IN my lifestyle. which yes... does get to me.... why? I dont even know. I think that is deep enough in that tunnel. forgivness involves letting go and not allowing someone the control anymore. | | |
| So I'm sitting at my best friend Amandas house and I have been reading Lesbian Couples again. It is a good book. I am off of work early today because I'm not feeling well and I get to spend some extra time with Nicole. I don't really know what to talk about but I haven't written in a long time and I feel kinda guilty. I should really learn to type becuase this whole hunt and peck thing takes way to long. the really sad part is I can txt even faster than I can type.... bad bad bad. Part of the reason it has been so long since I've been on here is because I can't log onto any persoanl sites in any free wifi spots... so it takes me using a different computer which doesn't happen very often... yeah I'm just filling space and it feels useless and draining but maybe if i make myself write it will have good effects. I got an email from my little sister today telling me that of course she loves me cuz I'm her sister... sometimes I wonder if thats how my little brothers and sisters feel about me... if its that simple. I wonder what they really think about me and if they think of me as dirty and perverted and strange like I thought about gay people when I was little. you know it is so weird to me now to think about how others veiw this part of me. Its so normal and healthy and I'm so happy with a woman I don't understand why others see it so differently then I do. I'm extremely frustrated about my job right now and I don't feel like talking about it. | | |
| Its Sunday and I had the privaledge of waking up next to the woman I love. I made her muffins and she was happy :) I am not entirely sure what the agenda for the day is, but whatever it is I know it will be wonderful.The last couple of days I have found the pleasure of waking up and stepping outside on the front porch to enjoy a little bit of nature. I had an activity once of talking to a tree and asking for advice, at the time I thought it was a little silly and felt kind of weird doing it.... but do you know? I almost feel like I have an open communication with trees now. I really do listen to what they have to say, they are one species that has had plenty of time to figure things out and very little to get in their way. I have a concept I am working on... If the purpose of life is the betterment of oneself spiritually.... than M Scott Peck's definition of love, I think, is a damn good one. "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or anothers spiritual growth."Now mind, I find that this could be a very dangerous and easily misused deffintion, but I personally find it to be the most acurate I have come across. it makes sense to me, If the oint of life is to grow spiritually then the greatest gift you could give another would be to help them grow spiritually as well. "sometimes what feels like love is really just the rattling of the bars on old cages in your comfortable places." ~Sylvia. If I could grasp these things, soak them in and make them a part of my map... I can feel it stretching me on the inside already... peace | | |
| soft skin, you know I love your soft skin.... soft skin up against my soft skin. I miss you, I miss you against me. This morning when I woke up and rolled over and you were there... I felt so complete. You are the one. You are mine. My queen. | | |
| so I'm trying to learn responsibility, I'm trying to grow up.... I've fallen despretly in love with someone and I feel so confused and overwhelmed right now. I know I am emotional and overly analytical.... I know that I'm supposed to be learning the balance of honesty and I think I really f***ed up tonight. I have a new friend and shes a very sweet woman coming out of a hard place and she has a big crush on someone. the someone she has a crush on is also a new friend. the likie is on disablity from work, the liked asked me about her and specifically asked if she was stable and had a job. I was honest and said she had had a good job for a while but right now she was on disiblity. i'm an idiot right? wtf? so then I was recounting my day to the woman im in love with who is also one of the best friends of the likie. and she wasn't happy with me that thats what i said. now I feel ashamed and trapped and guilty and I hate feelng this way. I know that I'm PMSing and it really isnt that bad, right? but it us! this girl has liked the other girl for months and now I had to go and tell her that! I knew I shouldn't have even said that I knew the other one and then I wouldn't have had to answer any questions.... I just feel like such a fool. you know what? I messed up. you know what else? I'm human and I jsut care very much about my friends and I am honset.... sometimes to honset. all I can do is be aware of it and try to make it better. | | |
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